Of all the “syndromes” out there, impostor syndrome is undoubtedly one of the most common ones. It’s one of the most frequently discussed topics in my practice and a strangely prevalent complaint.
Given how often this issue arises in my work, I began to wonder about its origins. What makes so many people feel like impostors or frauds in their lives?
Stereotypically, the people who most often tell me they suffer from this problem are young adults, with the “symptoms” mainly occurring in the professional context. But something tells me it is not restricted to just that environment.
First, let’s briefly define what “impostor syndrome” is.
There isn’t (thankfully) any established diagnosis for this “syndrome.” So, the definition I’m providing here is primarily based on the accounts I’ve heard from my patients.
People who suffer from this syndrome see themselves as frauds and live in constant fear of being “exposed”.
In their perception, they’ve managed to convince everyone that they are something they’re not (e.g., extremely competent, capable, intelligent individuals), and thus live overwhelmed with the fear that others will eventually realize they are not as good as they were believed to be — or even good at all.
We often find these individuals in high-ranking professional positions, bearing significant responsibilities and generally receiving a high level of respect and admiration. However, this admiration introduces another facet to the syndrome: an inability to accept compliments. Compliments can have a paradoxical effect, heightening the fear of being exposed as a fraud and widening the gap between how others perceive them and how they see themselves.
Given the belief that the person being praised doesn’t actually exist, the compliment has “nowhere to hold on to.” Instead, it merely reinforces the feeling that they are effectively deceiving others. This internal dynamic exacerbates the sensation of being a fraud and the fear of being exposed. Common thoughts associated with this state include: “I’m still deceiving them about my abilities,” “eventually this will end”, “eventually they’ll realize they were wrong about me”, “I’m just raising expectations only for them to find out I’m a huge fraud”, among many others.
It’s a rather curious phenomenon. The same people who invest a huge amount of energy in being recognized, liked, and admired often become extremely uncomfortable when they actually achieve it.
So, what’s the explanation behind it?
There are certainly multiple reasons, and the ones I’ll write here come from some dedicated thought on the subject as well as a result of the many life stories I’ve had the privilege of knowing. They may make perfect sense to you, or none at all. Feel free to propose other hypotheses or even completely discard what I’ll say.
As I see it, impostor syndrome is just a trendy name for something psychology has been discussing for decades: the difference between the real self and the ideal self.
The fact that this topic is gaining relevance again, even in a different form, might suggest it’s more pertinent than ever.
The real self corresponds to our most authentic, spontaneous, and genuine identity — it’s who we truly are. In contrast, the ideal self, or false self, as described by Donald Winnicott, represents the idealized version of ourselves that we aspire to be, shaped by the “self” we were expected to be and the “self” that was demanded of us. Often, this idealization is set far from reality, accompanied by high and, almost always, unattainable expectations regarding behavior, demeanor, and attitude.
I believe that all of us have, to some degree, an ideal self and a false self. It would be naive to believe that we can be 100% authentic in all our relationships and contexts. However, while for some of us the distance between the real and false selves is short, for others, it is quite significant.
Impostor syndrome, therefore, involves living a life largely anchored in the false or ideal self.
This phenomenon originates in childhood (as is often the case). It’s likely that some of the people who live with this “syndrome” were children who constantly felt evaluated, where their behavior, attitudes, and emotions were judged as either desirable or undesirable. When they were deemed desirable by primary figures (usually parents), the child received praise, admiration, and, ultimately, love. When they were undesirable, punishment followed. As a result, the child learns to reject parts of the self: the parts that bring rejection or abandonment. “I have to be what my parents want/need me to be.” And so the false/ideal self is constructed.
Some children (now grown adults), were loved not for who they were but for the function they served.
These children were instruments used by the narcissism of their own parents. To simplify, let me give you the classic situation where this phenomenon is reflected: we all know a parent for whom the academic success of their children is not the result of the children’s own merit, but of the parents. The focus shifts from the child to the parent. The child’s merit and work aren’t the focus; it becomes about the parent’s care, intelligence, and attention. In essence, “my child is a great student” turns into “I am an amazing parent, the best.” Thus, children become beautiful “ornaments” that serve to elevate their parents’ grandeur.
As a result, the need to be in constant performance emerges. They must play a role to obtain attachment. Being who they are is not enough — nor desirable.
Contrary to what one might think, many of these children grew up in an environment full of praise. And praise means constant evaluation.
It’s not hard to imagine that a child who grew up in these conditions feels the need to rely on a false self to function in relationships. Their real self was never enough. Why would it be now?
This is the developmental and individual perspective.
To this, we add the fact that we live in an increasingly individualistic society, one that pushes us to become the “best version of ourselves” (I just rolled my eyes writing that) and to constantly sell ourselves as the best of the best.
There’s no room to simply be, again in Donald Winnicott’s words, “good-enough.”
No, we must always be the best. And the need to always be the best results in constant competition. For this, we need our friend ideal/false self — the one that was trained to survive any judgement, in order to gain the love and admiration of others.
The problem arises when we get home. Exhausted from spending the entire day playing a role. People often feel they are living an empty, artificial life. They can’t feel fulfilled. They aren’t living a life that reflects the expression of their authenticity.
How great would it be if we lived in a society that allowed us to just be “good-enough”? I bet some of you, while reading this, let out a deep breath.
All these individual and social factors promote impostor syndrome. However, I believe that individual factors weigh more than social ones. People with life stories like those I just described above are more vulnerable and likely to suffer from this syndrome, regardless of the context they find themselves in. On the other hand, people who were, for the most part, appreciated for who they were, will have an easier time relying on their real self.
Now comes the part of the article where I give “5 GUARANTEED tips to end your impostor syndrome NOW.”
They don’t exist. I’d have to rely on my false self in order to do that and that’s not why I’m here.
Know your story.
Understand what it was like growing up in your shoes and what you had to do to gain the admiration of your primary figures. Be mindful in your life of the moments you feel the need to use your false/ideal self. Choose, as much as possible, contexts that allow and encourage your authenticity.
Also, have in mind that relying less on the false self will have its costs. Your false self serves a purpose. It’s probably helping you feel more safe in your relationships. We shouldn’t, and can’t, just exclude parts of ourselves without understanding the purpose they serve, and without necessarily giving something in return.
And as always, the only piece of advice that actually works: go to therapy. If this impostor syndrome is causing you pain, ask for help. Seek help from a professional who can guide you go through that journey. Your false self will surely appear in your therapeutic relationship. And when it does, this false self will be identified, embraced, and understood in a warm and supportive environment. Eventually, you’ll find that it starts appearing a lot less in the sessions. As if by magic, you’ll realize that, even outside the therapeutic setting, it emerges less frequently. You’ll even start to feel some control and start to begin to decide when it should or shouldn’t step in. Yes, because once again, the false self isn’t some pathological aberration; it serves a function that’s undoubtedly important in various contexts. In other situations, you’ll feel more authentic and more satisfied with your life and relationships.
And it all starts with a “I need help”.