Do you worry too much about what other people think of you? Are you always trying to please everyone? Do you find it hard to say no? Do you doubt your abilities and your worth? Do you feel you don’t like yourself enough? Do you have a very self-critical inner discourse? Do you often take a back seat?
Then this article is for you.
Self-esteem is the assessment you make of yourself, what you think, feel and how you behave towards yourself. Simply put, it’s how much esteem you give yourself. It is made up of 3 pillars:
- Self-concept: the thoughts you have about yourself;
- Self-love: the emotions and feelings you have about yourself;
- Self-confidence: how you behave.
It’s important to have the 3 pillars and to have coherence between them. What you think about yourself will affect how you feel, what you do and what happens in your life. And in this way, what you believe about yourself is possibly influencing your emotions and the results you’re getting. It can reinforce ideas you have about yourself that aren’t true.
The beliefs we have about ourselves significantly influence our lives, because if we believe that we are not capable, for example, of doing our job well, we will behave as if this were true, and if we behave in this way, we will have results identical to our initial beliefs. We call this a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This phenomenon occurs when we behave in a way that validates a pre-existing belief. For example, when faced with the belief “my opinion is not important”, in a work meeting we may become quieter, give “yes” and “no” answers (for fear of failing) and adopt less proactive stances. There is often a fear that someone will ask us directly for our opinion and that this will put us in a situation where our opinion is rejected, not validated or not accepted by others. As a consequence, thoughts of devaluation and insecurity arise, such as:
“They didn’t even want to know my opinion at the meeting, they didn’t even question me”.
“My work is worthless”.
But the ability to change your behavior can come from you: if in these meetings you start to intervene, make suggestions, participate and be proactive (even if you feel insecure and your opinion can’t always be actively listened to), the behavior of your colleagues will be different towards you, which will lead to more positive thoughts about you:
“I’m going to do my best, possibly it will go well, but if it doesn’t I have the resources to improve it”.
The results of that same meeting may even be less positive, but you won’t blame yourself and your performance, and you’ll realize that you were able to do things differently and take risks.
What are the signs of low self-esteem that you should look out for?
Frequent comparison: When this comparison is a form of inspiration (e.g. one day I’ll be a team leader too) it can boost you, but when it’s a comparison that raises negative thoughts about you (e.g. “I’ll never be able to be like that”) its impact can be damaging. Is what you’d ideally like to be based on things you really want and desire, or is it influenced by what society imposes on you? We’re unique human beings and you’re not supposed to be like anyone else. You don’t have to be the same as anyone else to have value. There will always be different people.
Constant need for approval from others (pleasing others): Has it ever happened to you that you’re carrying out a task where the focus is solely on the need to please the boss, rather than the feeling of self-fulfillment from the task? But it’s impossible to please everyone all the time. Even the “best” employee in the company doesn’t please everyone and isn’t consensual, and that’s not why they lose their value. The only person you have to please is yourself.
Difficulty saying no, setting limits and asserting your opinion: This is associated with the need for approval and fear of rejection — “I have to do what others need in order for them to like me, to be accepted”, “I don’t want to displease him”, “I’m afraid of his reaction”. It’s important to communicate what you want and don’t want, what you accept and don’t accept. Having boundaries means expressing your needs and feelings in a way that the other person understands. When you let someone overstep a boundary and don’t make it clear, the situation is likely to repeat itself. By constantly giving in, you invalidate your desires and needs. And with yourself, you also need to set these boundaries, looking at your needs and priorities (e.g. how many times have you stayed at work beyond your working hours?).
Frequent procrastination: Postponing a task (often for fear of failing) means that you can’t finish it on time, or you can, but without the quality you wanted, and this leads to thoughts of “I’m not capable” and feelings of guilt and anxiety. When you believe you don’t have the skills, you start to develop a negative view of yourself, which lowers your self-esteem.
Perfectionism: It can be adaptive when it drives you to action and to do your best, but it can also be maladaptive when it sets very high standards which, when not met, result in frustration and excessive self-criticism. It is often associated with the fear of failure and rejection. Mistakes and failures are going to happen and that doesn’t mean you have fewer skills. Failure is not a measure of your worth. And with every failure comes evolution and learning. Value progress more than the end result.
Emotional dependence and difficulty in making decisions: How often do you look outside for someone to validate you, someone who praises you and believes in you? — “My boss hasn’t said anything about my work”. Does that mean your work isn’t good? No. However, when you have low self-esteem, it’s as if other people’s opinions are worth more than your own. However, it should be the other way around. Don’t expect something from others that (although it might be nice to hear from them) you can and should give yourself. The boss didn’t praise, but what about you? Have you praised your own work? Do you reinforce and encourage yourself? You can’t control what others will do, and sometimes that validation may not even come. So don’t look outside for answers, but rather your own answers and opinions. “I’m not sure if I should send this email, I’ll ask my colleague”. No one knows your story, your work, your feelings as well as you do, so there’s no one who knows what to do better than you (even in uncertainty). It can also happen that outside opinions differ from yours and further undermine your self-confidence and insecurity. In such cases, it’s important to communicate only informatively, without giving way to opinions.
Frequent internal self-criticism: Like perfectionism, self-criticism is also related to the fear of failure and rejection. When faced with failure, the tendency is to self-criticize. Thoughts like: “I’ll never be like that person”, “I’m really stupid”, “I can’t do it”, arise automatically and you can’t eliminate them, but it’s important to realize that they’re not reality, they’re not facts.
Social isolation: “Everyone is noticing me and my faults”. You’re seeing other people through your lenses, because most of your work colleagues aren’t even noticing what you’re noticing, and even their lenses might make them just as concerned about their own shortcomings. “She has her back turned and is avoiding me, she doesn’t like me”, ‘She’s talking quietly to the colleague next to her, because she’s talking badly about me’ — you believe that your thoughts are a confirmed absolute truth, your lenses tend to filter events according to what you believe, when often it doesn’t correspond to reality. Your value doesn’t depend on the context.
Putting others first: Have you ever been overloaded with tasks and yet given priority to other people’s requests for help? In this case, you’re not prioritizing your work or imposing your limits. Prioritizing doesn’t mean you don’t care about others, it means you care about yourself and your needs. Are other people’s problems more important than your own? How often do you not ask for help for fear of upsetting others? Do you take your place or let it be taken by others? The more you put others first, the more you fall into last place.
Difficulty accepting compliments, recognizing qualities and dealing with criticism: Usually the focus is on criticism, which tends to be immediately validated and accepted. But compliments are not equally validated, and thoughts like “He’s only telling me this to be nice to me, or because he wants to ask me for a favor”, “He praised my work, but I didn’t deserve it, because I wasn’t competent, I could have done better”. Information that goes against what we believe tends to be interpreted in our own way. There is a difficulty in affirming and recognizing one’s own value.
Low expectations of the future: Due to the fear of not being able to achieve something, as well as the fear of taking risks, leaving the comfort zone, there is the belief that “I’m not capable”. This belief gains even more strength when you compare yourself with your colleagues, and inferiorize yourself, devaluing your own skills — “I’ll never get as high as he did, because I’m not as competent”.
Fear of rejection and frequent insecurity: This sign is related to most of the others mentioned above. There is a need for approval from others, fear of rejection, where you stop putting yourself first and find it difficult to say “no”. Fear of rejection is most often related to fear of failure — “I’ll be quiet in the meeting, because if I say something incorrect I’ll never be asked for anything again”, “if I can’t do the task perfectly, I’d rather not even start, so I don’t hear any negative criticism”.
When our self-esteem is “up to date”, we are protected against our automatic thoughts. They exist, but they sort of bounce off us, we don’t take them in.
Studies indicate that a negative perception of ourselves can lead to psychological disorders such as anxiety, depression or insecurity, concluding that self-esteem is considered one of the most important indicators of mental health.
Are you going to start looking after yours? :)